My thirteenth day as candidate for queen and all I can seem to think about is, “Link,” the sound comes out as a whine, “my feet hurt. Badly.”

Link glances my way as the car drives towards the Hyrulian embassy in Minish. He looks down at my pumps critically. I know his attention was detracted from the view outside, which is nothing short of special.

After all, Minish is a small, quaint country, with small, quaint people. Still, it doesn’t keep them from having an impressive, strange architecture. The capital of Minish, High Town, is located on a plateau in the middle of Minish Plain, with long, thin, spiralling towers and chimneys. From afar, the place looks like a delicate sort of gnomish structure. The landscape is lush and green, with many fields and lots of gentle, welcoming people. I saw High Town the moment I stepped out of the plane, in the airport. After that, a limo came to pick Link and I up.

It’s early morning, and I haven’t slept all night because of the flight, and my shoes, damn them, are killing me.

Link isn’t nearly so sympathetic. “Cut them off, then.”

My pitiful puppy-face dies and I glare at him as he grins. “You’re a heartless bastard.”

“Bastard is my middle name,” he says, matching my tone with amusement. “I’m hardly going to be insulted.”

I roll my eyes and kick my pumps off. Immediately, I feel relieved. I know I’m going to get blisters anyway, but for the time being, I just wiggle my toes and enjoy their freedom. I let my head fall back onto my headrest with a sigh.

Link looks at my wiggling toes, then up at my relieved face, and says, “If they hurt so much, why did you choose them for this trip?”

I roll my eyes and look at him out the corner of my eyes. “Um, hello. How was I supposed to know they were tools for murder?”

My publicist, instead of looking sympathetic, shoots me a flat, sort of bored look. “And you don’t have any other shoes in your bag?”

I close my eyes and feel very miserable. “No. I didn’t realise these would be so painful.”

“Well,” Link says, shrugging, “life is just another teacher who works without getting paid for her efforts.”

I glare at nothing in particular and think of my poor, abused toes. “If life is going to be such a bitch, I hardly see why she’d even get a tip. And now, I feel a headache coming on.”

The limo slows down as we roll through the city. Link says, with seemingly infinite patience, “Even if you feel like murdering someone, at least pretend to be pleased to see these two guys, okay?”

“Yeah,” I grumble. “I know. Do you have some Green Potion, or something? This headache is turning to a migraine.”

“I don’t carry the contents of my medicine cabinet in my luggage,” Link says, plainly. “But if you promise to be pleasant to Ezlo and Kaepora, I’ll go on a quest to find some medication for you.”

“A quest,” I say, closing my eyes and rubbing my temples, which are now throbbing horribly. “How lovely.”

“You have to promise,” Link taunts me, and I feel like hitting him. Or shagging him, whichever feels better.

“Fine,” I promise. “It’s not like I had much of a choice, now, did I?”

“You don’t.” He turns his attention to the front of the limo, and at the back of the chauffeur’s head, again. “And now, you’re going to listen.”

I squint at him, curling my toes to get blood flowing into them. But my full attention is on him. “Why are you so nasty today? Did you find a Dodongo in your toilet this morning?”

Link turns to me and rolls his eyes. “Of course. Then, I roasted it and had it for breakfast.”

“Link. I’m serious.”

“As I am,” Link insists. “It was a nasty little blighter. I actually had to fight it with a stick.”

I stare at him, a bit dumbfounded. “You’re kidding.” But it’s impossible to be sure. “Right?”

Darunia, who until now has been sitting in the front seat, next to the chauffeur, far ahead of us, turns back to say, “Link, bro, stop saying random bull.” To me, Darunia says, in visible amusement, “He’s just frustrated because Aryll has been asking to go downtown and be part of Marcastle’s nightlife, if you see what I mean. And Tetra refused to be her babysitter.”

My eyebrows rise and I turn to look at Link. He’s looking a bit sullen, avoiding Darunia’s laughter by looking out his window. I reach out to pat his shoulder.

“It’s alright, Link. Aryll’s just a normal teen. You should be glad that she actually wants to be weird and go out. It’s a sign that it can only get better.”

Link turns to me, looking half disturbed and half incredulous. “What the heck are you talking about? Was that supposed to make me feel better?” I grin at him. He rolls his eyes. “She’s underage. She’s risking a criminal record. I’d rather she wait.”

“Obviously,” I nod solemnly, enjoying this. But then, the nod makes my brain swim inside my skull, and I bring a hand up to my forehead, wincing. “But at least, you’re sure she’s normal, now.”

Link rolls his eyes, bringing a hand up to rub my nape soothingly. Does he know how good this feels? Oh, purr. Who cares? “Alright, smarty. Back on topic: you have to understand a couple of things about Ezlo Picori and Kaepora Gaebora.”

I try to focus on what he’s saying, except his hand on my nape is totally hitting that sensitive part of my spine that loves being rubbed, and it’s helping to ease my headache, and where did he learn to do this?

Darunia clears his throat. Instantly, I feel Link’s fingers dart away from my neck, and I see him try to busy those talented hands of his in adjusting his shirt cuffs. I turn a mild glare at Darunia. “He was totally helping my headache!” I exclaim, and then my exclamation disperses all the effects of Link’s gentle massage. I wince.

“Yes, but if anyone saw him do it, it may look like a good gossip,” Darunia says.

Fuck the gossip, the eager side of me complains. I want Link’s hands on me. Whoops, that didn’t sound right. Thank goodness it was only in my head.

“As I was saying,” Link breaks in loudly making my headache spike ―he shoots me an apologetic look, “Ezlo Picori and Kaepora Gaebora.” I nod softly, feeling my horrible migraine pulsing all over the surface of my skull. “Both are good men, except they can grow annoying fast. Especially Kaepora. The only reason he’s our ambassador in Minish is because he was so talkative and annoying back in our parliament that we thought it’d be a good riddance to send him over frontiers.”

I try not to laugh. Darunia doesn’t feel any compunction to hold back, though. He laughs outright and shakes his head.

Link too looks amused, but he manages not to get sidetracked. “As for Ezlo, he’s the president of Minish. He’s very smart, and also ancient. He’s the oldest of the attendees to the coronation. And, as you’re sure to notice, he’s also the smallest.” Link presses his lips together and sends me an eloquent look. “But don’t make him notice it. It upsets him.”

“And never interrupt one of Kaepora Gaebora’s speeches either. He doesn’t take kindly to that,” Darunia says, on the same tone.

“Um, okay,” I nod. “Is there a way to keep him from getting started?”

Link and Darunia exchange helpless glances. Finally, Link turns to me and admits, “If there is, we have yet to find it.”

Oh. Yucky.

“Well,” I say, a bit sarcastically, “that’s another life goal for me, then.”

The limo slows to a stop, and I look out my window. Link leans over towards me to look at the building as well. I get a small whiff of his aftershave. Why can’t I just grab―

“That’s the embassy of Hyrule in Minish,” he says, to me, and I tear my eyes away from his handsome profile to gaze at the embassy.

“Really?” I ask innocently, trying to hide the fact that my thoughts are on the salacious side. “It looks like…” I bite my lip and feel my headache throb again. “It looks like every other building in this city.”

Link looks at me. Oh, he’s close enough to kiss. I can feel his warmth because his forearm is brushing my knee. In a level voice, he asks, “Are you sure you’re going to be alright?”

Let me see. I’m about to go inside an embassy on foreign soil with a raging headache and mutilated feet to parade in front of my country’s ambassador and this country’s president, and right now the only remedy I can think of is pushing my publicist onto his back and screwing him passionately.

“I’m fine,” I say with a strained smile.

Link nods. “I’ll trust your word.” He straightens up again, thus leaving me some space to breathe. I see him nodding at Darunia. “Get her through security and everything. I have some errands to run.”

“What?” I turn to him in mild shock. The swift movement hurts my mind again. I flinch. “What about me? Don’t go shopping and leave me to deal with these guys!”

Link looks at me with a positive, confident, tight-lipped smile. “You’ll be just fine.”

I glare at him, but my door opens. Darunia leans in and says, “Come on out, ‘Princess’.”

With a sigh, I pull my killer pumps back onto my feet and brace myself for the painful walk that is sure to follow. Darunia helps me out of the car and onto my feet. Instantly, a sharp jab of pain shoots through both my legs. I nearly fall back down, but Link’s arm keeps me steady. He nods once I’m steady on my throbbing, aching feet, and watches Darunia take my luggage out of the trunk.

He says, “I’ll see you at dinner.”

I nod, trying to keep my breathing level, but it’s hard when you feel like rusted nails are being driven into your ankles and soles.

Link goes back inside the limo, in the place Darunia has vacated next to the driver. I see him take his cell phone out and dial. As he closes the limo door, I hear him ask, “Hey, Tetra. What size of shoes do you wear?”

Before I can get upset that he’s doing shopping for Tetra and leaving me behind in the process, the limo drives away. Darunia turns me back towards the embassy.

“Smile, kid,” he says. Without thinking much, I do as he says. Smiling has become a second nature.

The security check is absurdly tedious. Both Darunia and I are searched and sent through a metal detector, which leads to interesting explanations on Darunia’s part.

“This is…?” The guard asks, holding up a small black device that he found in Darunia’s front pocket.

“A stun gun,” Darunia says, looking gradually less comfortable as they make him justify the wide paraphernalia of instruments he can use to defend me. I’m impressed. I’ve never seen all of Darunia’s tools.

“And this?”

“A dazzler,” Darunia explains, glancing my way.

I turn to the security officer, trying to control my raging headache. “Um, since you’re a security guy, don’t you already know what all these things are anyway?” I’m met with a flat, a bit condescending look. I shake my head, closing my eyes against the pain that throbs from both ends of me. “Oh, just, never mind.”

“Do you have any ID?” A security guard asks, and Darunia’s thick eyebrows rise high on his forehead.

“We do,” he says, and hands over both his and my card, with a subtle wink to me. Frankly, the entertainment is lost on me, since I’m trying not to keel over because of my shoes.

As the guards verify the authenticity of our cards, I hear an excited cry from behind us. Both Darunia and I turn.

“Miss Princess Zelda Harkinian Nohansen!” A massive man exclaims. He’s wearing a three-piece brown suit, and his thick eyebrows over a narrow, crooked nose make him look like a crazy owl. He jogs over to us, and the simple exercise makes him look breathless. “It’s wonderful to finally see you, live, in person!”

I stare at him blankly, but then Darunia nudges me and says, “Gaebora.”

I finally click. “Oh, Ambassador.”

Kaepora Gaebora looks gleeful that I understood who he is. “Yes, it is I. It is I.” He nods to himself a bit spasmodically then comes to engulf my hand in his, causing the security guards’ unsure expression. “And you are the one who might become our queen, my queen, the queen of Hyrule!”

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the guards slipping our ID back to Darunia, with an embarrassed, apologetic look. Darunia looks a bit smug, I think.

“Um,” I say, unsure of how to treat this guy, “yes. This is my bodyguard, Darunia.”

Darunia pockets his dazzler and turns to us, smiling, glad that the security check is over. Kaepora Gaebora, far from being intimidated by Darunia’s immense stature, looks happy that I didn’t come alone.

“It’s wonderful to meet you both.” He turns to me, swiftly, exactly like an owl, with big, blinking eyes. “But I’m especially glad that you have graced us with your presence. Ganondorf Dragmire absolutely refused to.” Kaepora Gaebora looks offended.

I must say Ganondorf Dragmire isn’t such a stupid man.

“But I was told you were supposed to be accompanied by two men…” Kaepora says, examining the area around us in a nearly caricatural fashion. “Where is the second man?”

“My publicist, Link Forester,” I explain, glad that I can actually slip in a word or two. “He’s off to run some errands.” Yeah, more like off to shop for Tetra. “He’ll join us for dinner.”

“Yes,” Kaepora exclaims, his eyes bulging, “you must be starved and tired. The trip must have been tedious. We have rooms for you here, but the two men must share.” He shoots Darunia a quick, blank look then turns back to me. “As for President Ezlo Picori, he’s going to be accompanying us on the way back to Hyrule tomorrow.” He motions for us to follow him and claps his hands. “It’s been so long since I last saw Hyrule. It’ll be good to be home.”

I try to follow him without flinching at the pain in my feet.

“Did you know that the people of Minish have an average height that is approximately twenty per cent shorter than that of the rest of the Hylian Alliance?” Kaepora doesn’t seem to realise how uncomfortable I am. “It’s incredible, isn’t it?”

I’m beginning to understand why they sent him into duty exile. The guy is making my headache throb. Badly. I smile as best as I can under the circumstances, though I just want to lock myself up in a hotel room, get strung on Green Potion and sleep the next forty-eight hours away.

“It’s incredible,” I say, to humour him.

“I thought so too!” Gaebora exclaims. “They’re also renowned for their incredible gardening abilities.”

Oh great. I can just sense this is going to be the most boring day of my whole life. Link, that little bastard, totally knew what he was doing when he eclipsed himself like that.

I wonder what he’s buying for Tetra. Hopefully not a ring; it’d break Gonzo’s heart, poor guy. And it’d be kind of depressing for me, too.

Darunia nudges me back to reality. Kaepora just asked me a question and is looking at me expectantly. Shit.

“I’m sorry,” I say, to my embarrassment, “but I’m afraid I didn’t quite catch that.”

Kaepora Gaebora looks a bit reproachful, and I expect him to repeat his whole impossible speech, but then he lightens up and says, “I suppose you’re very tired indeed.” He motions us up the stairs. “Let me show you where you will be sleeping overnight.”

Oh, Nayru be loved… Wait a minute. Stairs? Stairs?

I shoot Darunia a helpless look as my feet throb again, almost in anticipated pain. He looks at me a bit helplessly as Kaepora Gaebora keeps climbing the steps. He leans towards me and whispers, really softly, “Lean onto me.”

I gratefully put a hand on his shoulder and let him slip his arm around my waist. Then, with amazing strength, he heaves me upwards, so that I’m moving my legs, but hardly any weight actually rests on my feet. We hurry the best we can so that no one will notice.

When we reach the second floor, Darunia lets go of me, and I shoot him the most grateful look I can muster. He shrugs with a grin.

Kaepora Gaebora is still speaking. He’s saying something about cherubs and Middle Ages painters. I haven’t really been paying attention, but I figure it’s just another one of his did-you-knows, and he won’t be quizzing me later on.

I hope.

“Here is your room. Right next door, with a communicating door, is the men’s guest room. We wanted to paint it in peach, but then…”

Darunia and I enter our respective quarters with almost embarrassing relief. I turn and wait for Kaepora to finish on his speech loop. Finally, he slows down with a, “So it would be best if I had a valet fetch your luggage. Would you like me to repeat that?” He adds, teasingly, as I yawn from exhaustion.

I turn to him, a bit out of it because of my killer headache. “Yes? Oh, uh, I mean, no! No.” It’s hard to keep your dignity when you feel like jabbing your shoes down the toilet. I try a little laugh. “I’m fine. Really.”

“Good,” Kaepora says, and, not missing a beat, he goes on, “I suppose you can have a nice little nap before dinner. After dinner, Ezlo Picori will join us for a discussion in the gardens. You’re cordially invited.”

That means, as Link warned me, that I have no choice but to be there.

“And Ezlo Picori will be having supper with us as well. And tomorrow morning,” he makes a sweeping motion with his arm, “we’re off and back to Hyrule.” He finishes off with a gleeful laugh. I force a pleasant, amused smile.

With that, he’s out of my room, and the newfound silence is the most beautiful thing I ever heard. I close the door after the valet abandons my luggage inside my room. I kick off my shoes and try to control my anger for them then let myself fall back onto my big, ironically queen-sized bed.

I’m out like a light.

The next thing I know, someone is nudging me awake and my headache is back full-force. With a pained groan, I rub my head and shut my eyes tighter against the horrible onslaught of reality.

Let me sleep! I was just getting comfortable!

“Zelda.” What’s Link doing in my bed? “Zelda, wake up, I have something for you.” Am I still dreaming? This could be really good if I didn’t have this horrible migraine.

“Leave me alone.”

Link shifts from my side, and the mattress rises without his weight on it. It seems like he was just sitting. Damn. He sighs loudly. “Fine, then. If you don’t want the ultimate remedy to your problems…”

Is he talking about a bubble bath with him? If so, then I’m dreaming for sure.

My eyes crack open. I’m feeling a bit cranky, I’ll admit. “What remedy?”

I feel new weights, much lighter than Link, bouncing on my mattress. Two objects have hit my side. One is a medium-sized box and the other is a tiny bottle. I sit up with a groan. Ouch. My feet feel raw. And my head… Ugh.

Link is looking down at me with some amusement and sympathy.

I take the bottle and examine it.

“Ultra-strong Green Potion…” My eyes widen. “Green Potion?” My gaze darts up to look into his smirking face. “You got me medication!”

Link shrugs. My eyes fall to the box. Oh my Din. A shoebox. With shaky fingers, I open it and look down at the most wonderful thing in the entire wide world: a pair of brand new fabric flip-flops. And cute ones, too. They actually fit my clothes.

“I assumed you wear the same size as Tetra,” Link says.

I look up at him with the most grateful feeling. I think if I wasn’t on the road to falling in love with him already, he just gave me a nudge in the right direction.

I don’t know how long I look at him like this, but eventually he gets fidgety and says, “Um, don’t get so emotional about this. It’s just a bunch of headache pills and a pair of shoes.”

“They’re beautiful,” I say, and Link looks unsure whether I’m referring to the pills or the shoes. Neither of us seeks to investigate. “Thank you so much.”

“I heard you had trouble keeping track of what Kaepora Gaebora talks about,” Link says, sitting in an armchair by the window, watching me as I try the shoes on and trying to change the subject. “He doesn’t seem mad, though I do suggest you try to keep alert in his presence.”

I grumble. Link shifts in the chair, then stands again, and takes the bottle of pills from where they lay beside me. He reads the instructions on the label then purses his lips. “They have to be mixed with water…” He leaves my room and enters my private bathroom.

I hear him turn on the faucets and pour a glass of water. Then, he comes back and reads again the label. “The pills have to dissolve in the water… Want to do it?” He asks, raising his eyes to look at me as I sit on my unmade bed in my rumpled travel clothes.

“I trust you,” I say, trying not to move too much. This headache is going to kill me, and fast.

The pill Link drops into the glass of water makes plenty of volutes of a bright green colour. Both Link and I examine the rapidly dissolving green pill with sceptical awe. Eventually, he twirls the liquid inside the glass to mix it a final time then hands it to me with a doubting look. “If you feel death oncoming,” he jokes, “tell me so I can call the newspaper obituaries.”

“Right,” I say, feeling too bad to appreciate his humour. “Wouldn’t want to bother their deadline issues.”

I down the bright green liquid as fast as possible. Predictably, it tastes completely awful. I make a grimace that could rival a monkey’s. Link observes my disgust with careful fascination.

“What’s it taste like?” He asks.

I look at his curious face, and for a moment, there’s something that passes between us, like a connection and camaraderie that makes us grin. “Like crap in a roll of rotten grass.”

Link’s dark blonde eyebrow hitches high on his forehead. “I think you were a cow in another life. How else would you know how crap with rotten grass tastes like?”

“Easy,” I say, trying to clear my mouth of the awful taste. “I had some of Anju’s guacamole.”

Link’s face suddenly contorts in horrified disgust. “That is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. How could you do that to yourself?”

I shrug, laughing a bit. “I endured many hardships before becoming a princess, buddy.”

“I wasn’t imagining I’d be saving you from such turmoil when I knocked at your door,” Link admits, looking gorgeous with his amused face on. “I hope you don’t regret the awful food, at least. Give us some credit.”

“Alright,” I surrender, “the food is good. But there’s more to it than just the food.”

I yawn, and Link doesn’t seem bothered to get a view of my vocal chords. He just frowns halfway. “Right. Still tired?”

I shrug, and yawn again. I can’t help but feel amazingly drowsy right now. At least my headache is leaving me. Along with every other bodily sensation, that is.

Link holds up the pill bottle, and looks a bit alarmed. “Um… Zelda, fight it. Dinner’s almost ready to be served. They’re waiting for you.”

I grumble. I don’t know where the fatigue is coming from. But, apparently, Link does, since he stops me from lying back down and says, “Oh, hey, Zelda. I have bad news.”

“What?” I ask, a bit confusedly.

“Warning: Green Potion pills cause drowsiness.”

With that, he tugs me to my feet, and I manage to stumble with him downstairs. All the way, I’m cursing him and why can’t he read the labels properly and how am I supposed to stay awake with such boring hosts?

It should come as no major surprise that I manage to stay awake for the majority of the dinner. I’m good, okay? But as Ezlo Picori enters the embassy dining room ―he is earlier than expected― I just can’t hold out anymore.

In a picture perfect moment, I fall face-forward into my dessert in front of my hot publicist, my annoying ambassador and the elderly president of Minish. And I don’t wake up for another twelve hours.